Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 | 10:27 p.m.

Life

My boyfriend left me to go hang out at his friends house to watch a movie...i cried and asked him not to go but it just grew into this big argument about how he wanted to hang out with his friend and how hes been with me for the past 2 days.(oh he also threw in there that he didnt have to tell me where hes going b.c we're not married and when we are married than he'll tell me and then he says im going.. okay?? and waits for me to answer. If he doesnt tell me where hes going or whatever then why did he stand there to wait for me to tell him okay if he was going anyways? ?!!? Oh, did i meantion also that we went to the movies with BEAU and JASON to see Walking Tall, doesnt that qualify as spending time with them?!?!?!)... does it really matter how many days he's been with me?!!?!?!?!? I mean, jeez... all i know is im pretty sure my mom heard it and pretty sure my stepdad heard and i can expect that when they get ahold of me, im going to get a lecture about how brent finally stood up for himself and that they knew it was coming and that i have to let him hang out with his friends and that if not then we wont be together for much longer...ive heard it before..

So what did i do after Brent left? I cried, threw my beach pictures across my bed and took off my engagement ring, threw it ontop of the entertainment center, then took off his class ring and threw it on my desk. I got online to see if i could talk to someone, but of course, when i need someone, no ones ever there. Great friends huh? Where were they you ask? With their boyfriends or their friends. So i have no boyfriend and no friends. Great life huh? Yeah. Atleast you people out there have someone.. someone who wont leave you to go hang out with their friends or their girlfriends or boyfriends. I just need to get used to being alone again. I mean, come on, do i really need Brent as much as i say or think i do? No. Why not? B/c im strong and i can anything i want to do without having to worry about a boyfriend right? *Sighs* Why does he need to hang out with his friends anyways? I mean, couldnt he do it some other night? During the day while im at school? Of course not, he does it when hes able to spend time with me...Oh but then again, hes been with me for 2 days and thats a problem. Obviously. I dont know why hes still with me. I used to sit and wonder when he was going to break up with me and now im sitting here wondering the same thing..

I think i need to go on a diet and start making myself look prettier so that maybe some other guy out there will notice me and want me... I know that Dennis does... it sucks that he lives all the way in Missouri... Shit, im not even his girlfriend and he spends more time thinking about me more than Brent does. Hes trying to find a girlfriend more like me..if i had a twin, id send her too him..He knows how to treat a girl..

I just need to get away and get a new life. Go somewhere where no one knows me and i dont know anyone and i can forget about all this and everyone here. No one would care anyways if i was gone. I would go live somewhere near the beach, where i could spell the fresh sea air and just start over, be someone else. .. Maybe meet someone new...How and when that would happen, i do not know.. maybe ill move to florida or something this summer and go to a college there and get a job.. start over, a new life. A chance to be someone new. Or maybe i could move to California and start on my acting career. And if that became successful, i would be famous and then everyone here would be jealous and realize what they had lost.

I would have new friends.. not someone who tells me to call them yet in return they dont call me... hey the phone works both ways doesnt it? One who wont always want to be around her boyfriend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, one who wont make an excuse or have to check with her boyfriend in order to make plans and i would have one who wouldnt leave while i was crying and i have would friends who are actually there for me, no matter what time it is or what they're doing.I would maybe have a new boyfriend.. one who would spend time with me alot, one who wouldnt leave me to go hang out at his friends house unless i was busy or something.. one who would want me..actually want me.

Maybe in a perfect world that would a good life. But my world is no where near perfect. And neither am i. I guess Brent didnt think so either.

I dont know if i want to see him. I dont know if i want to be with him anymore. I dont know what i want anymore. I used to be so sure. But now, everything has changed. I remember back a few years ago when i would lie in my room on the floor and watch Charmed and dream about being an actress. I would go to bed every night and listen to my cd player and sing along with the band or artist i was listening to wondering if i could be a singer too. Id go to school and come home and watch tv shows and record them and then on the weekends, go back and rewatch them and hang out with my friends. In the summer, i would swim at the neighborhood pool or go to my Grams' house and swim there with my cousins, even if they arent sane, they kept me company. Now ive grown up some, got a car and have everything i could bascially want but as of now, maybe im not as happy as i seem. My best friend is consumed by her boyfriend, with him every day of the week and my boyfriend gets consumed by sleep and computer games and sometimes by his friends and my other friend doesnt call either and sometimes hangs out with me more than my other friend. My other best friend lives 2 hours away. Thats explainable...

I should probably go to bed...

5 weeks of school left... As I recall with my stomach turning I was hiding away from myself, away from you Like nothing, though something was terribly wrong And I admit that I was only waiting for the right time Night time, the right moment for you to look away Though you never did, I pretended for a while So I could walk where I don't belong I remember every word you said Come back in time, come back And I remember I'll soon be dead So pitiful, pitiful But I know, as I hammered those nails into your beautiful hands Your eyes still try to search for mine, but I look away Now your eyes are the only thing that can save me I'm still afraid of them piercing You're breaking into my prison Just pretended for a while My soul is dying I won't look away I remember every word you said Come back in time, come back And I remember I'll soon be dead So pitiful, pitiful You're pitiful, so pitiful And I remember every word you said... I remember every word you said This time I won't look away

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