Monday, Aug. 04, 2003 | 3:47 p.m.

Tainted Love

School started today and i only went for homeroom and 1st and 2nd. They gave me two classes of which ive already taken and passed successfully..wtf...So i just skipped 3rd and 4th. No sense in going if ive already had those classes. I came home and called and told my mom about it and she said we're going up there to talk about it with those dumbasses. That school is so packed and everything is screwed up. It feels weird not having warning bells. This is my last year of high school..*sighs* =)

I got to hang out with Brent on Saturday and Sunday. It was fun. =) Today, Kellie and I went to the mall and met Brent there and we all hung out together for about an hour or so. I didnt wanna leave Brent. I wanted to stay with him sooo very badly..... Brent leaves for college on Sunday... *sighs very unhappily* I know that Sunday (if i get to see him and hopefully i will) im going to bawl my eyes out. Its going to be so hard not to see the one you love for a week. I know that some people have it worse than that but i dont like to be away from him. He keeps me protected and offers so much comfort and he believes in me. He keeps me sane actually. He's the one i run to with my problems, my fears....i know that ill still be able to see him on the weekends and i know ill still get to talk to him and i know Auburn is only 45 mintues away, but it feels like a thousand miles away......*sighs* What is the real fear you ask? In all honesty, im afraid of losing him to someone else, im afraid of us falling apart, im afraid that i wont be the one he wants anymore once he see's whats all out there, im afraid of never seeing him again, im afraid that i wont be the one he needs..or that he'll forget about me....those.....are what im afraid of....I dont know why im afraid. I know he loves me and i know that what we have is powerfull and good and strong...i know this...so why am i afraid? Because its happened to lots of people before? I dont know...... I know im gonna be pretty depressed while hes gone and extremely happy when hes back.. I seem to be clinging to him even more this week. In the parking lot of the mall as we were saying our goodbyes, i didnt wanna leave him or him leave me. I wanted to go with him. I wanted to just be with him. And i still want to. I dont care where it is, as long as im with him...It took alot to keep myself from crying on the way home. I looked back at him as he walked away and tears welled up in my eyes.. i didnt cry, i held it back. But how i wanted to jump out of the car and run all the way to his truck and just hop in.......i made it home okay without crying but each time i think of him leaving, it makes me want to cry. Goodbyes are now alot harder and i fear that they will become even more harder after he leaves Sunday..I dont like goodbyes when it comes to Brent..saying goodbye to Brent is just something i dont want to do. And i hope i never have to say goodbye to him permantly.....Last night when we were saying goodbye, i started crying, not only because i was worried about school, but because he was leaving.....*sighs*

I think ill just bury myself in school work this year.. just to try and pass the time a little more quickly and hopefully it wont be as painful. I dont know if im going to be able to go to Auburn but im hoping that ill be able to. I might just see if they have any Junior colleges around that area so that i can move to Auburn and live with Brent and go to school at the same time... i dont like being away from... i dont like it at all...

I miss Brent......

=(

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